Back up Breathing

I am back, after a long but well needed break from the hustle and bustle of city life. If you're thinking i went to some secluded beach, you're wrong, i just went to search for answers within myself. It was needed, there was too much noise both on the inside and outside, it was unbearable, i was sinking, was loosing the will to live. Every morning when i looked into the mirror, i couldn't recgonise the person looking right back at me. I searched hard, for a faint familiarity, but nothing is all i chanced upon. I had lost the colour on my cheeks, the lips were in a constant frown, my body looked frail and weak. That's exactly how i felt inside.

A very special friend, did her best to pull me back out of that sinking boat, she never failed to be the strong pillar, the unbreakable rope, she just kept pulling, but i just kept sinking deeper, because i had lost the will to carry on, the will to smile. I prayed every night for death to come, but even she betrayed me. One night, after suddenly waking up from a dream, a realisation dawned upon me, i didn't want to live like that, i didn't want to die just as yet, i had a million things left to do, i couldn't leave this world or my life without accomplishing what i had set myself out to do, death wasn't betraying me, i was betraying myself.

The next day, i forced myself to smile, i went out to search for some kind of reason, some kind of happiness, but i came home, dejected and lost. I hadn't found what i was looking for, i didn't find anything but noise, the noise that drowned the little girl inside of me. I sat down before GOD, with tears in my eyes, i didn't ask him for anything, just sat there crying. The tears that flowed unrestrianed down my cheeks, were begging HIM for mercy. After some time, of just sitting before him dazed and hurting, i got up with a different feeling, my heart was feeling warmth again, that coldness of those cold steely fingers that gripped at my heart, slowly loosened, bringing summer's warmth. I realised at that point, that the answers lay not outside, but inside, i had to speak to myself, i had to search myself, to get my life back in order.

Today as i sit here, typing, i am resolute in my decision never to bend, never to allow others to dictate how my life should be lived. This is my life and i am going to live on my own terms. I find my joy, in the smile of the little ones, who i had forgotten for so long in my pursuit of a confirmation, i had forgotten the alignment my father so often reminded me of. I had forgotten my true self, all because i had forgotten to live my life on my own terms. Now i see the sparkle of joy in my eyes, i recgonisie the face that stares back out at me from the mirror. That's my reflection, the reflection of a determined, perservering, young lady.

Today, my surrender is not to others, but to myself, my true self, i have surrendered not out of dejection and despair, but rather from the understanding, that the tighter i hold on to something, the higher the possibility of it biting me back. I am back to taking care of the small things, the big things will sort themselves out. Like someone told me last weekend, the small things make the big difference. Thank you Rob, for that advice, Thank you my friend BG for your unfaltering support.

Back up breathing, not gasping anymore. :)

In the meantime, snuggle up under the duvet, read a good book, and if you feel like it, have some bubbly. Pop the champagne, let us celebrate the mysteries of this beautiful life. :)

Mocha Caramel